I wake with a feeling of lightness, of access to the fresh start that’s been looming on the horizon for months. I’m happy to feel Peter deep in his practice in the adjacent room and it brings a sense of confidence in our parallel journeys. The return to my centered being is imminent and I breathe a deep sigh of relief. I *know* in my bones that an era is ending. Still, I ponder the obligations and limiting behaviors that I have allowed to overtake my previously grounded routines of self care in the realm of spirituality. The maiden years allowed me 2 or 3 hours a day of full immersion into yoga and meditation practice. I admit that in the world of motherhood, balance has often eluded me. After 2 children and 13 years of sporadic practice save a couple of committed years to the practice of Kundalini yoga, I sense the shift at hand.
I have been doing the Tantric Bij Mantras for the Seven Chakras for several days now, followed by a Kundalini meditation to dissolve self animosity. It feels amazing, especially the mantra, in which I am able to really transcend time and space. For the first time in a while, I spent an uninterrupted hour doing yoga this morning, free flowing to the slow songs of Bjork. Not in a class, not with instruction, just me.
Along the same theme, earlier in the week, I gave a massage in trade to a friend who had previously shared his healing talents with me. Amar is a master of Japanese Tea Ceremony, improvisational acting, energy healing, and mantra, among other modalities. His cheerful company so refreshing amidst the challenging emotions that have been coming up for me the last several days. He assigns me a mantra, as he always does when I see him, based on his intuition of how I am feeling. As usual, the mantra is spot on for me. In it’s essence, it is designed to reveal the illusion of what does or does not need protecting, shed light on what needs protecting and what needs breaking, allow listening for transcendental knowledge and also remove attachment to such knowledge, and protect. I’m grateful for his talent and generosity, and excited to incorporate this into what I am currently practicing.
As a single mother, the presence of children in my environment has offered me the contrast which leads to a deeper sense of valuing the practices which are sometimes beyond my ideal reach, existing in inconvenient timing outside of carefully laid plans of execution. My past attempts at integrating these most basic routines into my life felt like a constant game of sabotage either due to interruption, depression, overwhelm, fatigue, lack of will, or resentment towards my need to take full responsibility for my life’s choices.
I am filled with gratitude as I realize that all of this is changing as I change, growing as I grow. I am watching as self care takes on new definition when when placed in the context of one’s relationship with God and the Earth while *knowing* that there is no separation, that God and I are One, that the Earth and I are One. Such knowing was not integrated during the years of privilege in which maidenhood allowed me unlimited time to interface with the Universe alone. I see and feel and listen differently now that I am a Mother, and as I deepen once again into the practices, I am in awe of life’s continual transformation, and the learning that comes with it.
Characters appearing in this story:
Peter Fae – @peterfae